Relationships vex us and delight us. They also frustrate and confound us. They are the source of most of our pain.

Because relationships reach deeply inside us, they can hurt us like nothing else. No one has the power to hurt you like a lover, a friend or a parent because you expose yourself the most to these people. But this vulnerability can also be a blessing. A relationship teaches us like nothing else can about the places where we hold back, close off and otherwise operate from fear. So, in addition to being a source of joy and pain, relationship offers a powerful venue for our growth and development, if we are willing to take it.

But that can be difficult to do. It is easy to get lost in the pain and drama of a situation and learn little from what is happening. We go into survival mode. We get defensive and frightened. After all, we have been hurt before and we fear having our inadequacies exposed. So we deal with what's up in the moment and usually miss the larger issues that lie just beneath the surface. You undoubtedly have friends who go from relationship to relationship, repeating the same patterns, seemingly learning little as they go. Perhaps you have done this yourself.

One of the things that trips us up about relationship is that we think we connect with others because we care about them, and although this is certainly true, it is rarely the only reason we become involved. It is often not even the most important reason, and the difference is profound.

A significant part of our motivation to join with another person has to do with our own need to be loved. We need to be cared about, to feel significant, to be accepted, to be held, to give love and most importantly, to feel loved and lovable ourselves. Having someone special helps ameliorate those difficult inner feelings. The reason we fantasize about Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp or some Playboy Playmate, in addition to our sexual desires, is the feeling that, "If someone that wonderful/gorgeous could love me, I must really be OK." It helps fill our potholes.

The thing is, we don't come into relationship with clean hands. We do not love ourselves, and what we are looking to get from another person or a situation is a substitute for the love we withhold from ourselves. It is a poor substitute. If I need you (as opposed to wanting you), then I am not loving either one of us.

Instead of simply giving to another from a place of open heartedness, we are there to get, and that spells trouble. It never works, at least not for long. As Sir James M. Barrie said about Love, "If you have it, you don't need anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter what else you have."

The extremes to which we will go to satisfy our inner craving to be loved can be pretty remarkable. We have all done it. You end a relationship and some months later find yourself saying, "What was I doing with that guy?" What you were doing was being pulled by the stronger need to be loved that obscured flaws in the relationship that eventually led to its downfall.

Feeling as though they do not deserve to be loved, some people remain in unhealthy or abusive situations for years. They refuse to see the truth because they fear being alone or believe that this is what they deserve.

When we come into relationship with mixed motives, we set in motion a process that is designed to bring our less than ideal motives to our attention. This is one of the ways the Universe continues its relentless movement toward ultimate perfection. By our actions, we oblige the Universe to respond to what we are doing. There is a principle that applies here, it is called Walker's Rule. Walker's Rule states that: "Anything you do not love must become a lesson."

This means that when you engage in a relationship with less than clean hands, the Universe must bring your less than open heart to your attention. The Universe does this through a powerful mirror called relationship problems. Your neediness, no matter how manifested, is guaranteed to create what you call a problem and what I will refer to as a learning opportunity. Any relationship difficulties you experience will be a direct reflection of the love you withhold from the other person and more importantly, of the love you withhold from yourself.

So that there is no confusion, how you feel about what another person does has nothing to do with your ability to open your heart to them. You don't have to like what they do, but it is important that you love who they are. Notice that when you open your heart, you cannot have a relationship problem. For example, I may not like what you do, but that is simply your behavior. We might disagree about your decisions or your actions, but if my heart is open, I cannot dump my own values, beliefs and especially my fear, onto you. What you do may not make me want to be close to you, but I can still be compassionate toward you. Notice that "we" don't have a problem there. It is only when I wrap your behavior up with my fears, anxieties, insecurities or whatever and then react, that I create a relationship "problem." And that is a reflection of my inability, i.e., my resistance, to love myself.

Once the relationship "problem" develops I will then attempt to preserve intact (to defend) the fears and anxieties that caused me to mix my stuff up with yours in the first place. So we will argue, and have endless "For Christ's sake!" conversations. By the way, have you ever noticed how little is accomplished by these things? It is only when things cool down and a certain amount of compassion enters the situation that change is possible.

When we feel pain from a lesson it is because we are being rigid. We are unwilling to embrace what is being offered. We're up against our stuff and we don't want to change. Most people walk around feeling unworthy and do not want to delve deeper into the source of their feelings. Our resistance to the truth causes sufficient inner contraction that we can actually hurt from an experience. In that moment it is easier to sacrifice another person (a relationship) and experience pain, than it is to look into the dark mirror of our own fear. Besides, this opportunity was offered in the past, and we didn't like it much then, either.

So what is a person to do? I am going to suggest four steps that will help you to work through relationship issues:

First, step away from the situation. It is only peripherally related to what you are feeling anyway. The situation was created so that each of you could learn, and it will help you to step back and get a larger view of what is really going on.

Secondly, take your focus off the other person and recognize that this is about you. Recognize that what you are feeling begins and ends with you. They didn't create what you are feeling, you did. Also, what you are feeling is old and really has nothing to do with them anyway, other than that they are on the other end of it at the moment.

Try and accept that this is not about punishment or your unworthiness. Know that there is something of value for you here. It is an opportunity for your growth, a chance to deepen your life experience. As Shakespeare wrote in King John, "Such a foul sky clears not without a storm."

Third, look for the place where you are being needy and not being loving. Try to see where you are scared and are withholding love from the relationship. Then look at how you are withholding love from yourself. This is what the Universe is trying to show you by creating this situation. In every case you will find that the learning involves you learning to open your heart.

Fourth, deal with the other person's behavior, but do it with compassion. Never put them out of your heart. You don't have to let them abuse you or be unkind to you, that's not loving yourself, but you don't have to be unkind to them either. Be firm, stick to your truth, and tell them that the situation does not feel good to you.

By the way, these are not easy steps, so you may need some professional help. But try to recognize that all this is being created to give you the opportunity to grow. This is how the Universal mirror works.

©2004 Blue Lotus Press.
Reproduction is permitted with attribution.<