by Ross Bishop
Abuse in it’s many forms is the most demeaning thing that can be done to a person. We all have a sense of the integrity of our personhood, and when that is violated, we lose the sanctity of our beingness. By its nature, abuse produces debilitating shame. We no longer have the same rights and privileges to our bodies or minds as other people.
Abuse is the unfortunate conjunction of two social dynamics: First, for the abuser, abuse is a power trip. It provides a twisted feeling of dominance by a perverse mind that otherwise feels powerless. It is a way of “getting back” at a society or a world that has emasculated him.
Secondly, abuse victims are the product of family systems that do not develop healthy self esteem and self respect in a child that could prevent or resist an attack. These families also do not create a healthy support system that aggressively would stand up for a child who reported that something bad had happened to them.
Every abuse victim carries the feeling that something is wrong with them. It is not often spoken of in those terms, but everyone who has been abused feels it. And the truth is, that there never was anything “wrong” with them, but as I said, that is the consequence of the phenomenon.
The fact that you didn’t (or couldn’t) resist the assault or report what had happened, contributed significantly to the shame that abuse creates. The implicit message is that you were not important enough to be saved. And if you were an adult when the abuse happened, you can be assured that you created those feelings in childhood.
And when you hold those beliefs, you radiate out an energy that an abuser’s radar can detect a block away. The message is, “I don’t have the right to resist or protect myself.” And, “I am too ashamed/won’t be able to report it, should something happen.”
After the abuse, the damage to your inner child will be so extensive, so deep, so fundamental, that she will be very difficult to reach, much less deal with. Truthfully, this will be extremely difficult to heal on your own. You are going to need a good shaman or an exceptional therapist.
If you are presently in a abusive situation, get out of there! Go to a friend’s or someone you trust, now! And I mean today, right now! You may not fully believe it, but somewhere in your heart, you know that no one, no one, deserves to be treated this way. Consider watching someone you love being abused in the way that you have been. It is heartbreaking to imagine. Now imagine your inner child being abused in that same way. Find a way to help her. Don't let her stay. There are people out there who will support her in the way that she deserves to be loved. Give her that chance.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 SMS: Text START to 88788, or the VictimConnect Resource Center: 1-855-4VICTIM (855-484-2846). Do it now!
In time you are going to have to address not only the debilitating effects of the abuse, but the family situation that created the conditions for the abuse and their lack of support around whatever happened. Put simply, that is a very tall order for anyone, and why I suggest that you get good help. Find someone who has been through this experience themselves and healed it. Without that experience, a guide is only dealing with textbook theory and that isn’t going to give you the help and guidance you really need.
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