by Ross Bishop
Being able to love freely and openly is a great concept, but unfortunately it’s not something we experience very often. And although people do try, the love we mostly see is a pretty watered down version of the real thing. We want to love unconditionally, but we just seem unable to do it. Yet our capacity to love is incredible, so what gets in the way?
When I say “love,” you immediately think about loving someone else, but our biggest challenge is to love ourselves. And we are absolutely terrible at doing that! We are so inept at it that it doesn’t even appear on most people’s radar. What makes giving love to ourselves so incredibly difficult? We just assume that it’s not possible. If I were to ask you to list your life goals, loving yourself probably wouldn’t even be on the list.
The reason is that in our heart of hearts, we believe that we are unworthy and/or unlovable. We don’t like admit that, so we hide it in a cloud of deception. We keep it locked away where we think no one else will see it. But we delude ourselves. Bur we unintentionally broadcast our feelings out through our attitudes and behaviors for all the world to see.
But when it comes to loving others, we rarely access the real stuff. We posture, we act as if, and we parrot what we have been taught, but it’s just not the real thing. It isn’t that we don’t care, but we hold back, fearing that if we expose too much of ourselves, we will be rejected. It is easier to open ourselves to children because they don’t pose much of a threat to us.
But with teenagers or our partners, it is a different story. Teens are trying to understand their own feelings and are sometimes conflicted by our decisions, so they will question our motives and actions. Our partners, feeling slighted by our holding back, will want to know why and will ask, “What’s going on?”
So what sits in that sticky ball of dark stuff at your core? It is the belief that you are unlovable, unworthy or somehow inadequate. And we fear that to expose that is to risk eternal condemnation. Consider the illogic of that for a moment. The Creator knows the truth, so who are we really hiding it from? And what harm would be created by exposing it? Some part of us knows that if we were to expose our darkest thoughts, other people would look at us in complete astonishment and disbelief. That is because how we see ourselves is so far removed from reality that it is patently ridiculous. This my friends, is “Le Grande Charade.”
So we go as far as we can, giving out enough to keep the other person interested or our kids satisfied, without “exposing” our most deeply held secrets. And we will go to extraordinary lengths to weave a web of deception so that the other person feels loved without letting them into the “truth” about ourselves.
Consider – there is no way the thing you fear could possibly be true! There is no way that you could be inadequate or unlovable! Yes, you can believe these things and you can act on them, but that still does not make them true. No matter which way you turn, there is only one answer to the question of your worthiness. And I can guarantee that it is not what you believe at the moment.
BUT – here’s the secret behind the mystery – so long as you feel inadequate or unlovable, you have something to hide behind when things go wrong. “After all, how can they expect more, I am inadequate!” Or, “Of course the relationship didn’t work out. I am unlovable!” and so it goes. You have a convenient excuse when things turn out badly. And because of your “inadequacy,” you don’t have to look deeply into your own behavior either, because after all, you are inept!
If you look around, you will realize that everyone you know struggles with the issue of their worthiness. The truth is that everyone on the planet struggles with this issue! That is no accident. We have all been set up by The Creator’s plan. Set up to believe something that could not possibly be true! The reason is that eventually you will come to accept truth about your worthiness. And once you get that, you will hold that truth so firmly that it cannot be shaken. You can argue that it’s a lousy way to get there, but I’ll let you take that up with The Creator yourself.
In resolving the question of your unworthiness, you make a big step in the development of your consciousness. And that is the singular reason you have come to earth. Irrespective of all the tumult and distractions, you have come here to resolve the vulnerability at your core that drives your beliefs of unworthiness and unlovability. And if you will just stop for a moment and go inside, you can confirm what I am telling you. It’s ironic if you think about it; the very thing we all want, and in some cases desperately need, is the very thing we avoid the most.
So here’s the dilemma – at your core is a feeling of vulnerability. Your ego, doing its job as your protector, steps in and creates a belief that something is wrong with you, so that you will hold back and not expose yourself to harm (rejection) that you are not prepared (in it’s estimation) to handle. And so you set in motion a system that that feeds on itself. You feel inadequate, so you hold back and because of that, you get rejected, enhancing your feelings of inadequacy, driving you further down the rabbit hole.
It’s really a pretty remarkable system when you look at it. But the point is that it keeps you feeling unsure about yourself and therefore from loving yourself and others openly and unconditionally. That goes on until (in most cases) the pain of withholding becomes greater than the fear of confronting your belief in your unworthiness. And that is how we finally find peace.
We can break down every life situation into two parts. First there is the substance of the situation, “The Thing.” Let’s say the newspaper delivery person forgot you today. So you call the newspaper and straighten things out. End of story. But it is interesting how rarely we just address “The Thing” in life.
And that takes us to Part Two. Pretend that your daughter brings home a less than optimal report card. You will need to deal with her performance and attitude issues. “The Thing” is your responsibility as a parent.
But notice also how your own values and beliefs leak into the conversation. Where does being a good parent end and your personal values begin? Can you even separate the two? And that is “Part Two” – the beliefs, fears, etc. that you bring into every situation – because they determine how you will react. And that is what usually turns a discussion into something else.
If you can be calm and dispassionate, the solution to most problems is not very far out of reach. But add your ego based fears, prejudices and judgements with those of the other person, and things can get muddy very quickly. Rational problem solving goes out the window.
We can have a reaction to these situations based on sound judgment, but more often that not, our response actually has little to do with what is going on in the moment (“The Thing”). The person who occupies center stage in these situations is your wounded inner child, who is expressing her fear, anxiety, prejudice and whatnot from an unresolved wound that happened many years ago. That set the pattern of belief for your present response. The immediate situation has merely triggered your reaction, but the wound that precipitated your belief goes back many years.
Let’s take a look at how some of these manifest: Regarding relationships, we traditionally look at marriage statistics, but cohabitation is so prevalent today that we need to pay attention to those statistics as well. The probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent, but the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitations.
What causes these breakups? Sure there are compatibility issues, and I’m covering a lot of ground here, but most of the time the relationship fails because it brings up the core issues of unworthiness that one or more partners is unwilling to address. What usually happens is that they are unwilling to look at their role, blame the former partner for the situation and then move on to the next failure. Or, even more common is for the couple to enter into an unspoken non-aggression agreement, where they tacitly agree to not address these issues. They then try to get along, neither person getting what they really want. That is a recipe for trouble.
Consider that our relationships and our kids are our greatest teachers. If you have an unresolved issue, you can be certain that your family situation will bring it up. And as uncomfortable as that makes you, it is ultimately not a bad thing. This is the process through which your unresolved issues (that you’d rather not have exposed and really don’t what to deal with) are brought to the surface, giving you the opportunity to resolve them! As I say, it is an aggravation, but it is also a gift – and usually an unwelcome one, in order to dispel the lie that runs your life!
Does that mean that you always should stay in a relationship and try to work it out? Of course not! There are situations – things like spousal abuse, substance use, sexual abuse and infidelity for example, when you should absolutely leave. But there are other times you should stay even for just a bit, to learn something about yourself.
If you work with the situation so that you can learn from it, you will be in a better position to make your decision. You may still decide leave, but you will be in a far better place to deal with the next relationship. But unfortunately, in most cases we just bail, or stay and put the issue in the deep freeze and try and get by, a guarantee for the creation of resentment.
For the purposes of this discussion I am going to set aside the stuff we fight about (“Part One”) and focus on our typical responses to the various challenges that life presents, because that is where your learning and growth can take place, if you are open to it. And remember – that is why you are here! You have come to earth to resolve the issues that life brings up in you!
OK, to tie some loose threads together: none of the stuff you believe about yourself is true. None of it! You were wounded as a child in a vulnerable place and that led you to the creation of a set of beliefs that you were – unlovable, unworthy, stupid, inept, unattractive – whatever. None of these things could possibly be true, but so long as you are vulnerable to them, you can be made to believe them. And unlearning them is the gift that our kids and our relationships bring to us. Let’s look at some typical situations:
Having A Disagreement
What’s really going on here is a contest of egos. (Otherwise there would be a discussion not a disagreement.) He wants “X” and you want “Y.” Notice, please, that the “thing” you are disagreeing about really isn’t the issue. What is on the line here are feelings of being loved and respected.
He wants to go hang with his buddies, you want him to do his homework. Or, your partner wants to play golf on Saturday, you want him to fix the gutters. Unless he wants to do something totally out of bounds, what are you really disagreeing about? This isn’t about the gutters. Set aside the Part One issue(s), and look at your investment in what is going on.
I am not saying that you are wrong in what you want, or that you shouldn’t stand your ground, but I want you to look at why this situation has escalated into a disagreement. What ego issues are on the line here? Ignoring the other person for the moment, what is your investment in what is going on?
Resentment
Resentment is the cancer that destroys relationships. It is the accumulated residue of unresolved insults. Your feelings got hurt, and you were left hanging, without resolution. And so the well of the relationship becomes poisoned by whatever doesn’t get resolved.
What to do? Prevention is always the best medicine. But we are taught to hide our slights, to bury our pain, to not let it show! To that I say, “Bullshit!” The worst thing you can possibly do is to lock the hurt up inside yourself.
Tell your partner that your feelings have been hurt! Even if you are completely off base, it will still be better to speak to it and have it out in the open to be addressed. Maybe you were wrong. OK, then deal with that, don’t sit on it! Maybe it was a misunderstanding. Better to clear it up than have it go unresolved. And if this is difficult for you to do, have a long talk with your inner child.
Intimacy
Intimacy is the fuel that powers relationships. It is built from three things: time, space and intention. The first two can be tough if you have kids, but it is essential for the health of your relationship that you make intimacy happen – more importantly, that you both want to make it happen. Put the kids to bed and then make time for the two of you. If watching movies is what you want, fine, but make being together the primary focus of your time, not a distraction. Share, have heart-to-heart talks, deal with issues, etc. Work hard to keep anything from interfering with this space.
Setting Boundaries
What do you want? Do you even know? And if you do, do you have the right to have what you want? This is a particular problem for women in our society. Women have been conditioned to be subservient, to not honor their needs and to put everyone else first; but thank heavens that is changing!
So, the first thing is to decide what is and is not OK for you. Then the second step is making your needs clear to everyone around you. The third (and this is the tough part) is making it stick. The real question is how badly do you want it and how willing you are to set your boundaries. Do you deserve what you want? Kids are threatened by exclusionary boundaries and are great at breaking them down! Be firm and establish your space with love. Enlist your partner for help.
Needing Space
Related to setting boundaries is that everyone needs private time to unwind and recharge. Perhaps to meditate, to rest for a while or just get away from the hubbub. Over the years, bathrooms have been a great refuge for people desperate for a quiet minute.
Set some time aside every day for yourself. Have your partner do the same. Trade off entertaining the kids while your partner is on break. Make this time inviolate. It’s your “recharge the batteries” time, and you not only need it, you deserve it. Meditate, take a hot bath – I promise you, the world will wait.
Screw Ups, Miscommunication, Not Being Perfect
God forbid you should make a mistake! Not paying attention is one thing, but being human is another. Show me someone, anyone, who doesn’t make mistakes! Sure, you don’t want to be stupid about it, but c’mon give yourself some slack. Learn, always learn from what you do, but then grow from it and move on.
If there are amends to make, confront the situation honestly and be done with it. Look, I have a lifetime of screw-ups, big ones! But I learned a long time ago to learn from every mistake and to apologize and make amends. I don’t make excuses. If I screw up, I own it. But what I don’t do is crucify myself for screwing up.
We’ve covered a good deal of territory. To summarize, I would ask you to look at how vulnerable you were willing to be? How open to your partner and kids are you – really? Don’t stay in a bad situation, but the problem most people have is that they are not willing to take the risk and invest in their own success. Life isn’t a game you win by half measures. And the thing is, the game is rigged, so that if you will just make the effort, you will win! Take your kids, friends and especially your partner and love the heck out of them. And if for some reason, that doesn’t work out, at least you’ll have no regrets.
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