by Ross Bishop
It’s not complicated. Show kindness and compassion. Care about one another. Maybe meditate. On the surface, it seems simple, yet we struggle mightily to put it into practice. Why is that? In the old days, when the Church was in charge, they put this in terms of Heaven and Hell. Heaven was to practice spirituality, and the alternative . .
We have all been wounded in childhood. Not some of us, not even most of us, but all of us. Think about that for a minute. What are the odds? The truth is, it is part of the plan for our being here. When we heal our supposed “woundedness,” we come closer to embracing the truth about ourselves, but that’s a discussion for another day.
Because of our childhood wounding, we had to form beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. Our beliefs often take the form of: “There is something wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough.” At the time, this forced us to create boundaries around ourselves to compensate for our inadequacies. Today, we live mostly inside those boundaries. They give us the illusion of safety. Another way to say this is that we live in caves of our own making. Our cave allows us to pull back when we feel threatened. For example, what beliefs do you hold about yourself?
We allow a few people into our caves, such as our immediate family - partner and kids. Parents are a tricky issue because they were the source of our childhood wounding. We lower the barrier somewhat for in-laws and friends, but there are limits. And with some difficulty, we will consider opening ourselves to neighbors. But strangers? Forget it. Remember dating? So much of dating is about negotiating boundaries so we feel safe with one another.
But here’s the problem: our boundaries are a mental fiction. It’s a mind game. We think they insulate us from insults, but in truth, if the insult is there, you’re going to feel the hurt, regardless of your insulation. Now, we do create real barriers to those who would actually harm us, but that’s another discussion.
So, we all walk around with our little castles strapped on, thinking they will keep us from being hurt (which they don’t). But the real loss is that they keep us from reaching out to those who are in need. It’s hard to reach out when you’re feeling vulnerable yourself. You’re too afraid of rejection if you take the risk and expose yourself like that. We don’t know these people, and how they might react. And given our history and what we’ve come to believe about ourselves, they might reject us! As a rule, we only let people in who we feel safe with.
So while we sit frozen in ice, spirituality asks the complete opposite of us. It asks us to open ourselves to others in ways we normally avoid because of what we have come to believe about ourselves. Qualities like compassion, mercy and forgiveness require us to come out of our caves and reach out to people we don’t even know! And our egos say, “No freaking way! That’s just too dangerous!” And thus the spiritual teachings of humility, mercy and forgiveness get left by the wayside. We sometimes feel empty, but at least we don’t get rejected.
And that is the spiritual dilemma that life has been designed to present us with. The setup is that you cannot really be hurt! Other than your pride, if you offer compassion and it is rejected, you walk! You may get your feathers ruffled, but so what! On the other hand, you are more likely to be appreciated for who you are, contrary to the myths you believe about yourself. (Don’t miss the importance of that.)
After all, you have done something worthwhile! And that is contrary to the wound and the false beliefs about yourself that you carry! And in taking on this challenge, you grow! And this is what you came to Earth to resolve! You are not the defective being that you believe yourself to be. You are learning the truth about yourself, and that is HUGE!
Talk to the homeless guy and find out how he’s doing. I bought a burrito for a homeless guy, and you could tell he’d been pretty beaten up by the world. He said more in his “Thank you” than I could have imagined! So go out into the world and say something especially nice to your barista or store clerk. Leave a good tip at lunch and don’t worry about a few dollars. Compliment a co-worker.
Tell your kids how special they are. Do the same with your partner. They may think you are crazy, but so what! To stretch yourself even further, do the same with your friends! Then do some volunteer work. Notice how it makes you feel. Are you really the damaged and defective person your inner kid thinks you are? And when compliments come back, take them in. Don’t deflect them!
Now for the hard part. Find some compassion and forgiveness for yourself. Doing that will put you square up against what you believe. After all, you don’t deserve to be loved. You are damaged goods! Something (never really defined) is wrong with you! You don’t deserve to be forgiven, shown mercy, etc. Do you see where this is going?
If you’re having difficulty, I will suggest two things. First, ask a real friend to tell you the truth about what they see in you. A caution: you will need to separate how you behave (based on your fears) from who you truly are. Hopefully, they will be able to do that for you. The hard part is, will you be willing to really hear what they have to say?
The second method is a technique I discuss in my article “The Human Condition” (https://www.rossbishop.com/the-human-condition/). It will connect you directly to the truth about yourself again: if you are willing to hear it.
Third, and perhaps the biggest challenge of all, is: are you willing to do what I suggest (and not just read about it)?
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