by Ross Bishop
We speak in many forms and for many different reasons. There is the purely rational – cold, factual and lacking emotion on one hand, and then red hot passion on the other, and an infinite mixture of the two in between. I am not going to speak of rationality here, because your facts are either correct or not, end of story. However, that is not the case with emotions.
In regard to emotions, do you speak your truth? Most of us don’t. At various times in our lives we have been criticized, ridiculed, ostracized and shamed when we shared what we felt. And we are not anxious to repeat that again! So we generally shut down when there is a threat – real or imagined, or when we are uncertain about whether what we feel will be compassionately received. So, as a result, we talk a good bit but we usually avoid sharing our innermost feelings.
Relationships pose a unique challenge. We desire intimacy, but without trust, real intimacy is difficult. Slights that are not discussed can lead to resentments and those that are not addressed can lead to an underlying current of disdain. Unless something breaks the pattern and puts these issues on the table, the relationship is headed for trouble.
But if you think about it, what’s the risk in sharing (assuming it is your truth and you are operating from compassion). If it is difficult for the other person to hear you, be caring, but should you really be inhibited or controlled by their response? They probably need to hear what you have to say for their own growth, even though they may strenuously resist hearing you. Ultimately if you are wrong or off base or they simply are not in a position to hear, their ultimate refuge is to simply walk away! There is no mandate that says that either one of you has to endure an unpleasant undertaking.
Truthfully, short of a physical response, you have nothing to fear! If they need to get upset, let them! Sure no one likes creating conflict, but again, if you are speaking your truth and doing so with compassion, let them have their stuff! If everything goes to hell, your parents may write you out of their will, but other than that, this is just an exchange of vibrations across the room! And if it feels insincere, cruel, manipulative or whatever – you can always WALK! Always listen and be willing to learn from what they have to say, but let their response stay with them.
Then too, there are issues of timing. Is what you have to share appropriate in the moment? Will they be able to hear you or are they preoccupied with something more important? On the other hand, are they never available for what you have to share? Sometimes you just have to barge in, but do so with the greatest of care.
There are times when it just doesn’t make sense to be open. Maybe the other person is a MAGA supporter or a rabid anti-vaxxer or holds some other extreme prejudice and the door to real communication is essentially closed. But you have to be careful not to use this as an excuse not to share, too. Maybe they need to hear your truth or maybe it is important for you to share, regardless of the consequences (but always do so with compassion). For the moment, see if you can understand how they got to their position. Even if you totally disagree with them, it will help with your perspective.
Then there is the issue of perspective. Somewhere out in The Universe there is “The Truth,” and then there is “your truth,” and the two can be quite different. You see, none of us sees things with clarity. We feel as though we do, but we mislead ourselves. What we ”see” is what we have been conditioned to see, through the lens of our created beliefs and prejudices.
Our biases come from families, friends, religions, politics, education and life experiences. Often we end up parroting what we have been taught without really thinking about it. Unfortunately some of those influences can cause significant distortions in our perspective, but as I say, they comprise our reality. Try this on: men/women are _______, teenagers are ______, minorities are ________, my former partner is ______. You get my point. So when we come together there may be subtle, but important, differences in perspective that we need to be aware of, but often miss.
And that brings me to the most important aspect of communication – and something we do very poorly – which is listening. To be blunt, we are lousy listeners. We are so wrapped up in our emotions and our response, that we miss important aspects of what is being communicated. We also miss the subtleties of intonation, body language and facial expression that add a great deal of nuance. As a result, we often respond like the proverbial bull in the china shop, ignorant of important aspects of what has been shared. In order to listen well, we have to let go of making a point, and see deeply from the other person’s perspective. Even if they’re obscenely wrong, we can begin to unravel how they arrived at their conclusion. Maybe even get them to question it.
But getting back to talking, I want to make a distinction between a prejudiced person and someone holding “The Truth.” A truthful person’s door is always open for discussion and possible change. That isn’t the case with prejudice. Prejudice is fear based. You won’t have a discussion, you’ll have an argument. Remember that in dealing with a prejudiced person, you are dealing with a wounded animal.
Another aspect we need to be aware of is that, until we heal it, there is an angry and frustrated inner child in all of us that can poke his or her head out when provoked, and spill his or her frustrations out all over the landscape. Our adult usually keeps the child in check, but he or she sits just beneath the surface, and when pushed, will ignore the regulating adult and dump his or her pain and frustration out, whether it is appropriate to the situation or not. Healing this wounded child is one of the most important things you can do for your overall wellness.
To see the difference between your inner child and a normal kid, ask any kid a question. Odds are you will get an unvarnished answer. But because it comes with no charge on it, it will be relatively easy to hear. But look for inhibitions too, even at that young age.
Some people lack a regulating adult. They just burst out whatever they are feeling, appropriate or not. This is particularly true of narcissists. They are unable to care where you are, they need to share, and that need overrides other considerations.
The remaining area that needs to be addressed is manipulation. Sometimes manipulation is overt as with politicians who want you to believe that they really care, or actors whose job is to make you believe they are somebody else. But most manipulation occurs because people are either afraid of the truth or want to intentionally mislead you, either overtly or by withholding information.
Deceit is despicable in any form, regardless of the motivation. There are times when we need to walk delicately, but that is another matter. And if you are too intimated to be really honest, write them a letter or send them a card! Tell them your truth in that way. And if your goal is to manipulate, all I can say is, “shame on you.” When you manipulate, you deny the other person the respect to evaluate matters on their own. It is a sign of weakness – either in you or in your argument.
The one thing always to watch in yourself is “Am I operating with compassion?” There can be a good bit of fear in communicating, even when honestly sharing our feelings. Then too, consider why you hold back. If circumstances require withholding, fine. Otherwise, you might want to look at what is going on for you. Happiness in life is having no separation between you and your soul; between you and the Creator. Being compassionate – that simple idea – covers a lot of ground, but if we could do more of that, we would avoid a great deal of the difficulty that communicating and life, often entails.
Remember:
“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are;
It solely relies on what you think.” Buddha
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